23 Aug 2013

Lie Redemption

Author: Kripto | Filed under: Oameni si oameni..., Povesti subiective

I had enough lies! Telling them, I almost renounced a long time ago. Since then I discovered that there are fields where lying is ok – the professional field of marketing. But, when it comes to personal life, relationships and family, I can’t forgive it, even if it didn’t happen to me. Yes, I mean to say that if I find out an acquaintance lies in the personal field, I immediately develop a bad feeling about that person.

From what theories I encountered, I found two main explanations for lying: shame and fear. There is a third – egocentrism, meaning a person wants something while not losing another thing, when the two are mutually exclusive (ex: cheating with the body or the mind).

Just remember that the text below applies to all of us, at one time or another! Nobody is excluded. Just think about it and, if you don’t find something similar to feel sorry about, even if you were caught or not, you’re either a monster or a monster!

The problem I often encountered, when being lied to or speaking with people making mistakes, is one saying (I’ll try to translate it to English):

“If you admit to a mistake, you’re half forgiven.”

I have some problems with how this saying is used, because as “sayings” go, it leaves room for interpretation.

Mainly, I have a problem with explaining to people that a mistake can’t be called “admitted” if it was discovered by the “victim” beforehand. You can lie one too many times. I’ve been lied to one too many times by people I really cared about (two, in total, and you know who you are). The problem of the culprits was that they admitted to details about the lies only after I had proof or at least knowledge of their deceit. Both of them (the ones who mattered to me) felt bad because they didn’t receive forgiveness for those “errors in judgment” (that they both repeated in time). But they never even tried communicating – i mean really communicating, just like in a healthy relationship. And I say “like in a healthy relationship” because, when it comes to it, they should’ve stopped making mistakes (lying about them later on) just by thinking: “Wait a minute – I’m in a fracking relationship. I’m becoming just a brown eye if I do this!” (Trying to refrain from bad language, but I’m no fucking prude!)

Another thing that bothers me in it’s uses, is that people usually get so infatuated with this “half-forgiveness”, that they stop any other action of redemption after confessing. And yes, here it comes – my personal opinion on the matter, especially after some experiences… Fortunately i developed a strong defense around my core. Unfortunately, the core itself became highly unstable, so, if someone EVER reaches it (again) by trying my patience one too many times, it goes “bum!” at the slightest wrong doing after that point. (More on this subject in my next posting: “Critical Point”)

So, starting from what mistakes I’ve been subjected to and what i saw around, while inspecting people’s minds, this is what i gathered:

1 – Admitting a mistake is just the SECOND step towards redemption. (It’s also important how you do it, using the right tone and every argument, for and against you, the culprit.)

2 – FIRST step is feeling sorry about what you’ve done, even when you’re the only one who knows you did a “boo-boo”. (No, it’s not a disease, but just a guilty conscience!)

3 – Next step, the THIRDisn’t explaining yourself to your “victim”, but acting towards avoiding the repetition of that mistake, without waiting to be asked or forced to do so. (Or you’re never ever regain the trust. A deed half done is, in this case, not enough. So refrain from asking for compromise!)

4 – FORTH step is to stop feeling afraid of imperfection! It only leads to new bad decisions, like hiding the truth from the “authority figure” you let disappointed. (Which incidentally can even be yourself sometimes…)

5 – And the FIFTH: don’t forget that every action has an opposite reaction, so be ready to face the inevitable consequences! (Sometimes overreaction, because we don’t live in a perfect environment)

These can vary, depending on several factors:

– The number of times the mistake was repeated. This means that the more you repeated a mistake, the more you destroy the trust given to you. It’s one of the worse issues, because trust isn’t won, but offered. So, in the end, your main focus should be not on regaining the respect and trust you lost, but on learn how to not give into temptations outside the responsibilities you assumed for yourself and then acting on it.

– The gravity of the mistakes. The worse the mistake, the harder the effort to rebuild what was destroyed. It’s not as bad as repeated mistakes, but a lesser evil is still an evil. This is where you either start doing absolutely everything in your power to regain what you lost (if you actually want it back) or walk away. But, usually, people who make smaller repetitive mistakes also go for the big bad ones too.

– The nature of the mistake. You may have not noticed, but a lot o mistakes (especially with the same subject) are based on only one given cause. Recurrent mistakes with a base one – meaning they are all based on something important to you, a constant temptation of receiving what you already have, but from an alternate source. It’s something that you keep telling yourself you aren’t able to give up, but in truth… you don’t want to (see the egocentric motivation for lying). The consequence is that you always lose one of the two mutually exclusive things you wanted, sometimes both. The real problem is that few people, very few, acknowledge that they have the chance to choose to… choose which one to keep. So beware incongruous wishes, especially in relationships! Oh… who am i kidding? We all choose wrong!

– The compromises. Some people, after being discovered as liars or cheaters, ask for compromises. For the love of chocolate, stop! Asking for compromises, when you cheated someone or lied, makes you like a smoke addict who says he/she quit smoking, but just needs one more cigarette. You’ll just start smoking again, only this time you’ll be better at hiding it (practically lying by actions). And we covered LYING in the previous sections.

– The small reminders. Even if you don’t ask for compromises, when you don’t feel like a brown eye for making a mistake, you begin building up reminders. These don’t just piss me off, but also have the gift of enforcing fear of reoccurrence in the mind of the person you’ve wronged. Again a complaisance: if your father kept beating you, when he even comes close to e gesture that used to resample something that predicted a hit/punch/slap, you go all defensive. “Fight or flight instinct” experts call it. When you wronged someone, they’ll always have the little reminders. So, if you actually want redemption, you’d better start by listening to the one you hurt and get read of the reminders. A person that doesn’t feel guilty about what he/she did can’t see the effect of “the little things”. These can range from a gesture, reference or slightest own interest (towards what you did wrong, making it seem an innocent thing)  and ending with obvious interest in the mistake (categorizing it as a still open possibility of choice) or presents received from people you cheated with. “The little things” may seem unimportant to you, as a raised hand would seem for the violent father, but for the victim it translates as the complete reemergence of terror (physical or psychological). All of these are able to falter any effort of rebuilding what you destroyed. If and where you “pull out” a “small reminder”, tread carefully, try to understand what you did, keep calm and ride the oncoming storm! If you don’t have remorse for your mistake you’ll probably feel treated unfair and face the storm. Good(bye) luck with that!

If you’re not ready or willing to fight the consequences, or you don’t feel sorry about what you did (according to the first step) just give up, human! You’ve been lying to yourself all this time! “Resistance is futile!”

Remember: when it comes to personal life, relationships and family, what goes around, comes around! Usually it takes a lot of effort to admit a fault, but it’s impossible to make things better without that the admission of guilt (or find out other mistakes you made on the way).

Actually… ignorance is bliss, so ignore everything I wrote above this line! OK? If you don’t, who knows – you risk becoming a better person… and you may end up as the victim of another culprit. (SARCASM sign is up, Sheldon!)

Move along now! Go about your business, you little liar! Nothing to see here…

Kripto out!

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